Eight Feet Deep

Bashing Prez Gee Dubya might have alienated some of the more ardent country fans of the Dixie Chicks. But the rest of the world could give a crap. The evidence is that their newest album “Taking the Long Way,” has gone platinum, according to this from a PR Newswire release:

“Four weeks after its release on May 23, Taking The Long Way, the highly-acclaimed new album from the Dixie Chicks, has achieved a platinum (for sales of 1,000,000) certification by the RIAA, bringing the group’s career total up to 41 gold, platinum and multi-platinum certifications, including two RIAA Diamond Awards.”

Not only was their latest release at the top of the “Billboard” charts upon its debut in the U.S. but the album also topped music lists in countries around the world. It peaked at No. 1 in Sweden and No. 2 in Australia.

The Chicks ticked off many of their Fox News-watching, George W. Bush-loving, and Toby Keith-adoring country-western fans when singer Natalie Maines exclaimed during a 2003 concert in London that she was ashamed to be from the same state as Gee Dubya. Never mind a sizeable number of Texans feel the same way. The Chicks suddenly became pariahs of the right.

That their latest album has found success both at home and overseas raises these possibilities 1)Many people worldwide love the Chicks. 2)Many people across the globe hate George W. Bush. 3)Many people on Earth love the Chicks and hate George W. Bush. 4)Many people throughout the world love the Chicks and don’t care one way or other about their political leanings.

So to those people who think they are hurting the Dixie Chicks by not buying their music or attending their concerts, just go on thinking that. That will just leave more albums and better seats for those who like the Chicks for what they are. And that’s apparently quite a number of people worldwide.

Vivi the whippet show dog remains missing four months after she escaped from a cage at JFK airport in New York. Reports from those who may or may not have sighted Vivi continue to this day, but she appears to have seriously pulled off that old Houdini.

At first thought it might seem as if Vivi might have met with some terminally unfortunate circumstance. But a host of reasons exist as to why Vivi may be alive rather than dead.

Perhaps someone doesn’t read the paper or the Internet or pay attention to the TV news. There are people like that you know.(Sometimes I wish I was one of those people.)Let’s say this fine-looking but tuckered-out whippet came up to the door of some person who fed Vivi some scrumptious groceries and the dog decided to stay on for awhile.

A slight possibility does remain that Vivi was dognapped and that the culprits are just waiting for the right time to spring the ransom request on Vivi’s folks. That doesn’t seem that likely, however, given that four months have already passed.

Another scenario that came to me was that Vivi may have struck out on her own for home in California. Dog walkabouts aren’t all that uncommon. Some dogs have been known to take off from home and return years later. There even have been instances reported of dogs traveling a few thousand miles home.

Dogs are only one of many animals with an uncanny homing instinct. I have never seen any explicit scientific information as to how animals find their way home. Some speculate it has something to do with the Earth’s magnetism, or the ability for animals to use celestial navigation. Others even believe dogs and other animals have a psychic ability that will lead them home.

Interestingly enough, scientists found earlier this year that homing pigeons just follow the roads on short trips back and forth from home. These scientist found this out after they placed global positioning system devices on the birds and studied their pathways.

Who knows, maybe Vivi just wanted to see some of the country rather than fly over it in a little box. I think many of us might identify with such a desire. She may be trotting along down Route 66 as we speak. I’d like to think she was anyway. Be safe Vivi.

A wiener company has determined through a survey what are the favorite condiments people put on their Chicago style hotdog. Please notice I said condiments and not condomments because otherwise people might complain of the latex taste.

That’s getting pretty specific when you survey the condiments of a Chicago hotdog. Then again, it would be a bear of time determining what were the favorite toppings on all the other variations of the hotdog: The Tel Aviv hotdog, the East Rutherford, N.J., hotdog, Mr. Chu’s hotdog, Mrs. Chu’s hotdog, the Armour hotdog, the Armored hotdog, the Armored Tel Aviv hotdog that Mrs. Chu serves on Wednesday’s … You get the drift.

The Vienna Beef Company conducted what was cleverly-named the “CSI — Condiment Survey Investigation.” (Let’s hear a little yuk-yuk-yuk). Here are the results of favorite Chicago hotdog condiments:

Yellow Mustard * 55.4%
Ketchup 55%
Onions * 52.6%
Chili 40.8%
Bright Green Relish * 40.7%
Spicy Deli Mustard 32.1%
Sauerkraut 26.8%
Dill Relish 12.7%
Tomatoes * 7.2%
Pickle Wedge * 7.8%
Celery Salt * 3.6%
Sport Peppers * 3.0%
Giardiniera 1.0%
*Denotes the seven actual ingredients on a Chicago-style hotdog. You get bonus points for naming the seven words you can’t say on television.

The survey also found that men overwhelmingly prefer onions as their favorite topping on a Chicago hotdog while women list yellow mustard as their preferred condiment. Wow, I really didn’t expect those findings. Of course, I never really thought about it.

Unfortunately, it appears from the press release by Vienna Beef that their president seems to be either a catsup bigot, an under 17 bigot, or is prejudiced against those under 17 who like catsup.

“Unless you’re under 17, ketchup isn’t part of the equation,” says Vienna Beef president Howard Eirinberg.

Oh yeah? If I pay for a damned hotdog I will put whatever I want on it, chief! I don’t care if it is a Chicago dog, Chili dog, Kraut dog, Quiche dog, Mackrel dog or Tofu dog. If I want to put catsup on it I will and the Vienna Beef Co. president can’t stop me. Not that I would put catsup on a hotdog.

Those surveyed also listed the people they would most like to share a Chicago hotdog with:

“Reba McEntire, Mike Ditka, Dick Cheney, Eva Longoria.”

Honestly, that’s what the press release said. Isn’t strange however large the sample was for the CSI, that they picked those four particular people? I mean, who wouldn’t want to share a hotdog with Dick Cheney? Perhaps they would also like to bird hunt with him.

The Senate fell one vote short needed for a 2/3 majority to pass the proposed constitutional amendment that would give Congress the right to ban flag burning.

Democratic senators argued that the Republican majority was willing to alter the First Amendment for political gain. Of course, the Dems got their little political dig in as well with an amendment to the amendment proposed by Sen. Dick Durbin, D-Ill.

Had Durbin’s measure passed it would have made flag desecration illegal on federal property under certain conditions and would also prohibit demonstrations from taking place near a funeral for a service member. The latter provision comes because of the religious nut-jobs from a Kansas Missionary Baptist Church who are protesting at funerals of those service members killed in Iraq. The nut-jobs say God is getting even for tolerance of homosexuals in this country. (New motto: God, he doesn’t get mad, he gets even)

Durbin’s amendment failed but it now gives Democrats the chance to point at Republicans and say: “You voted against protecting the funerals of American troops killed in Iraq.” Which is only slightly better than the Republicans being able to say about Democrats: “You voted against protecting the flag.”

Is this a great country, or what?

Almost everyday I search craigslist and other sites looking for freelance writing gigs. Also, almost everyday I see ads wanting writers for some “new, exciting” magazine or Web site. And invariably most of these publications say something to the effect of: “We can’t pay you but we will publish your bio which will attract worldwide attention.” Or something like that.

In other words, they are wanting writers to write something for free so they can use it for whatever purposes. You might understand that this annoys me to quite a grand degree. People are out there, like myself, who try to make a living writing. It is extremely difficult to do. I’m not even making a living. Yet, some bozo wants me to write for nothing so I or others can see my name in print. Well here is a little secret Bozo: I’ve seen my name in print.

Can you imagine how a mechanic would respond if you wanted him or her to rebuild your engine and tell them: “I can’t pay you, but you will be on my Web site?” Or if you asked a brain surgeon to perform a delicate procedure on you and you told the doctor: “I cannot give you any compensation, but your kindness will be recognized by a plaque in my Good Guys Hall of Fame?” I don’t even think they would laugh at such utterances. I think they would probably just punch you in the nose.

So I have decided to make up my own craigslist ad to send out to different locales. And my ad will be frankly honest:

“I need money. Please send me whatever you’ve got.”

Or,

“Do you want to make me happy? Well, all you have to do is send me all of your money. That money will bring a smile to my face. And after all, isn’t that what is important?”

Ah yes, I can see a Mercedes-Benz in my future already.