Eight Feet Deep

Ann Coulter has been in the news a lot lately because of some stupid things she has been saying while hawking her new book: “Gas the Liberals.” Or some such offensive title like that. She has made nasty comments in her book and on television about 9/11 victims who don’t abide by her Nazi-like, conservative line.

Coulter always says stupid things and she is good at getting publicity when she says something stupid that tends to piss someone off. The Super Bowl for most outrageous huckster would likely include Coulter and Bill O’Reilly.

Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, D-N.Y., is also in the news a lot. Many pundits say she is going to run for president like her cad hubby, the Billster. Hillary doesn’t have to make outrageous statements to draw attention to herself. Just her mere existence makes her right-wing foes lose all reason and causes their faces to light up red due to their boiling Republican blood.

So we know about the ability of Coulter and Hillary Clinton to attract attention. But what we don’t know — and this is very important — is who would win in an old-fashioned, whip-ass match between the two blondes?

It is such an intriguing idea, the two of them in a physical altercation, that I would probably buy action figures of both and stage grudge matches between them were it not for the fact that my friends already think I’m pretty weird.

Personally, I think it would be no contest. Hillary could snap Coulter’s heroin addict-like frame into a twig pile. And if Hillary ever got Coulter down and started applying pressure on her body with the H-woman’s mammoth thighs, it would be lights out for little Annie Fanny.

I think such a match would be highly entertaining and could probably break all records for a Pay-Per-View broadcast. Unfortunately, just thinking about the two of them will probably make me wake up screaming for the next few nights.

President Bush punishes VA Secretary Jim Nicholson for the missing data by putting a “death grip” on the secretary’s hand.

Veterans Affairs Secretary Jim Nicholson told Congress today that he was sorry about that “little screw-up” in which private data of 26 million veterans and 80 percent of the active military was stolen.

“I am totally outraged as to this loss of this data and the fact that an employee will put veterans at risk,” Nicholson told the House Committee on Government Reform. “But it is my responsibility now to fix this. It is doable. It won’t be easy and it won’t be overnight because we will have to change the culture.”

Which culture Nicholson was talking about wasn’t clear. Surely he isn’t talking about the Mayan culture. Or the Culture Club. Because I am not even sure if there is a Culture Club anymore. Okay, maybe there is. Don’t you long for the heyday of Boy George? I sure don’t.

A VA employee took home a computer and it was stolen. Files in the computer contained birthdays, Social Security Numbers, favorite colors, shoe sizes and the names of pets of veterans discharged after 1975 as well as information as to whom were the very first people they ever kissed. (I’m one of those veterans — First kiss: A blonde in a bikini named Gigi, Summer 1970.) The VA didn’t disclose the information until three weeks after it happened and the full extent of the data was taken, including revelations about the private information of active duty service members, was made known only recently.

Even though Nicholson said that those affected will receive a free credit check, he has yet to personally send me a letter explaining the shenanigans that have been taking place at the VA. Also unknown at this time is whether every veteran and service member whose personal information was purloined will be compensated with 40 acres and a mule.

Lt. Audie Murphy. World War II hero. Definitely decorated.

Van Taylor is a “decorated Marine.” At least that is what a number of articles I have read says about the Republican candidate for the Central Texas congressional seat held by Democratic Rep. Chet Edwards of Waco.

Just what the basis for such a description is I am not certain. Here is what Taylor’s Web site says about the awards he received for serving in the Marine Corps in Iraq:

“Van was awarded the Navy Commendation Medal with “V” for Valor, the Combat Action Ribbon, and the Presidential Unit Citation.”

I am not here to denigrate any accomplishments Taylor might have had while serving his country. Just serving in combat is admirable in itself. But the fact is, Taylor’s military awards hardly make him a modern-day Sgt. York or Audie Murphy.

The Navy Commendation Medal ranks 16th in order of precedence for the Navy and Marine Corps. It can be awarded either for valor, achievement or meritorious service. If awarded for valor, it is for heroic actions that do not rise to the level of the Bronze Star (No. 10 in precedence). The Combat Action Ribbon (No. 19) is awarded to Marines or Navy personnel who have participated in ground combat. The Presidential Unit Citation (No. 20)is awarded to Navy or Marine units such as squadrons, ships or divisions that exhibit extraordinary performance. So do those awards make Van Taylor decorated?

My military service resulted in just two medals. I received the National Defense Service Medal, which is given to every person who enlists during the time of war. And I was awarded the Navy Good Conduct Medal, which is awarded (surprise!) for good conduct. Basically, the medal signifies that I never received a Captain’s Mast or court martial for breaking the rules. Considering all that I did in my four years of service — including a lot of rule-breaking — I find that it is either quite an accomplishment that I received a good conduct medal or it is just one of those quirks of fate. Do those medals make me a decorated veteran?

My own answer would be: Van Taylor, no. Me, no. I think in the case of Alvin York and Audie Murphy, both of whom received the Medal of Honor among other numerous awards, it is pretty clear cut that they are decorated, not to mention heroes. But it is hard to draw the line as to whether someone is described as decorated or not.

Conferring the description “decorated” on a political candidate leaves somewhat of a perception that the person is a military hero. Like the word “decorated,” the concept of a hero is in the eye and heart of the beholder. Words can be mighty powerful, can’t they?

It seems that the U.S. faces a serious threat from gays as well as from people burning the flag. Why else would Congress decide to spend a couple of weeks debating constitutional amendments that would ban gay marriage as well as make burning the U.S. flag illegal? It would be perhaps more economical if Congress were to pass an amendment that prohibits homosexuals from getting married while wearing burning U.S. flags. That would kill two birds with one stone.

Of course, all of such idiocy is merely pandering. The Republicans and Gee Dubya want to show their serious Bible-beating base that they feel their pain. The flag issue is also pretty much a far-right pleaser although it has probably a little more broad support because of veterans organizations backing that amendment. Both proposals have a snowball’s chance in hell of passing though.

As for the gay marriage ban, it might take a constitutional scholar just to figure out what the hell is being suggested in the proposed amendment. Look at the wording and pay particular attention to the second sentence:

“Marriage in the United States shall consist only of the union of a man and a woman. Neither this Constitution or the constitution of any State, nor state or federal law, shall be construed to require that marital status or the legal incidents thereof be conferred upon unmarried couples or groups.”

The first sentence is pretty self-explanatory. But the following sentence has provoked a debate over whether this means states can allow civil unions or whether states are prohibited from it. A little while ago I saw Sen. John Warner, R-Va., on C-Span telling his fellow senators that the sentence needs to be clarified. He made the point that the Senate had recently said that English should be the national language, yet this proposed amendment fails to convey a clear meaning in English (or any other language for that matter).

What this debate over the gay marriage ban and flag burning amendments amounts to is to allow a vote so Republicans can say prior to the November elections that their Democratic opponents voted FOR gay marriage or voted FOR flag burning by voting against the measures.

I think congressional members need to just recess now and go on a long junket — like to Mars.

KBTV-TV Channel 4 in Beaumont reports that the scene I came across yesterday at the Fourth Street underpass indeed involved an 18-wheeler hitting a man on a bicycle. Both the man and his fiancee were riding bikes in the roadway when the man lost his balance. The accident left him in critical condition.

Also reported by Channel 4, Beaumont police were shot at last night trying to stop some genius for violation of a noise ordinance. The guy ditched his car but was caught a bit later.

Beaumont police have started a supposed crackdown on these rolling noise factories you hear coming for miles. I don’t guess they have been able to catch the pimped-out maroon car that belongs to people who live behind me on the next street. The pictures on my wall and glass in my windows start shaking when these kids pull up in their yard. Many times they will just sit there with their obnoxiously-booming bass permeating the neighborhood air. Twice I’ve called police on them but I doubt they have talked to these guys.

I always fantasized about some kind of “death ray” for car stereos. I would have some kind of device that I could fire from a car with an invisible wave that would fry the electronics of these sources of aural disturbance. Hey, you got to dream.