Eight Feet Deep

I just tried logging onto In the Pink Texas. It looks as if they were hacked. I don’t know why people do the stupid s**t they do. I guess it’s because they can do it. Hey, I could probably pee my name in the snow if there was snow here because I can do it. That doesn’t mean I would do it. And I know that’s probably not a good example.

I was meaning to post something anyway about how much I really enjoy reading In the Pink Texas. It’s one of the wittiest blogs I read and the cast of characters who leave their comments daily and/or are contributors — people like John Cornyn’s Box Turtle — kind of make me feel like I am reading e-mail from my friends. Sad as that is to say. I don’t know any of these people with the exception of Eileen and I don’t personally know her. It is nonetheless a daily vice in which I indulge, checking out ITPT, and laughing my ass off.

The president’s right-hand man at the president’s left.

I watched a little of today’s White House press briefing on C-Span. Man, I don’t see how Scott McClellan does it. He stands up there and delivers the company line every day, hardly missing a beat. He reminds me of … Mr. Roboto.

“I’ve got a secret I’ve been hiding under my skin
My heart is human, my blood is boiling, my brain I.B.M.
So if you see me acting strangely, don’t be surprised
I’m just a man who needed someone, and somewhere to hide”

But you know and I know that what you see on TV isn’t always real. I mean, yes, Scott McClellan is real but whether he is really the same Scotty you see at press briefings …

“I’m not a robot without emotions-I’m not what you see
I’ve come to help you with your problems, so we can be free
I’m not a hero, I’m not a savior, forget what you know
I’m just a man whose circumstances went beyond his control”

Actually, I spoke to Scott McClellan twice in my life that I can recall. Both times were before he was press secretary. One time was after a presidential press availability and Scott was the official Bush spokesmodel for the trip. I think I asked him a question but I really can’t recall because I had just returned to work after recovering from surgery and barely knew I was on the planet.

The other time I spoke to Scott was when I called him in his White House office. I was trying to get a quote for something or other from the White House. I called a sister paper’s reporter who had been covering the first Bush campaign and was still hanging around the White House. This reporter, whom I will not name, gave me Scott’s phone number at the White House. I called Scott and told him what I wanted and he said in his very annoyed Scotty voice: “Who gave you this number?” I told him. I don’t know if the reporter was just trying to yank Scotty’s chain by giving his phone number out to some reporter from the hinterlands or whether the guy just thought he was still hanging out with the governor’s people. To his credit, Scotty did put me in touch with someone who gave me a quote. That was probably one of maybe two or three times I had someone return my calls from the president’s place out of the maybe 20 times I tried.

“Thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For doing the jobs that nobody wants to
And thank you very much, Mr. Roboto
For helping me escape just when I needed to”

This same reporter who gave me Scotty’s number also co-authored a story with me one time. I was in Crawford and the other reporter was in Washington. The other reporter dug up some information which warranted us both a mention in Dan Froomkin’s “White House Briefing” column on Washington Post online. Is that too pretentious of me? Sorry. I just mentioned that because, unlike Scotty, I may never be in Froomkin’s column again.

“Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, domo…domo”

For no reason other than sheer insanity, I briefly contemplated the other day running for political office. My county, Jefferson County, Texas, is one of a dwindling number of counties in the state that continues to elect an inspector of hides and animals. I thought about mounting a campaign to run for that office as an independent in November. Why? It’s not because the incumbent is doing a bad job. Actually, he doesn’t do anything. The job has no duties. In bygone years a hide inspector would inspect hides and other animals. But that is no more.

The incumbent is a fellow named J.T. “Corky” Wheeler. I read a story about him saying that he ran for the office to help preserve some of the state’s heritage. I feel like that is about as good a reason to run for office as anything. Some who have sought this office in other counties actually campaigned to abolish the office. I don’t know that the office is costing taxpayers anything. Wheeler doesn’t get paid and had to pay $50 out of his own pocket to get on the ballot. I think I read the other day where he got somewhere around 19,000 votes in the Democratic primary. Not bad for a fellow who has no duties and no real record.

I guess the question for me as a potential candidate would be: Could I do even less than Wheeler if I somehow was elected? It’s tempting to say that I could. After all, I once was elected “Laziest” boy in my high school. It’s the only high school election that I won and I really didn’t run for it. I don’t really see either how infusing new blood into an archaic position would make any sense. I certainly have nothing against Wheeler. As I said, I think his motivation for being elected makes about as much sense or even more than many candidates for office. I think he’s been a pretty damned good inspector of hides.

So the bottom line is that I decided not to run. It might have been fun. Although, I think I would really would have faced an uphill battle running against someone for an office which doesn’t have any real duties. I shall not seek the office. But I will never say never. I think I can hold my own with the rest of them when it comes to doing nothing.

I am taking a break from yet another bout with tech writing. I don’t know if I have taken a break for the day or just for a little while. It is very easy to talk myself into taking the rest of the day off. I have put in a good seven solid hours of work today, give or take a few minutes here and there to stretch and watch it rain.

Does my revelation excite you? Well, if it does then perhaps you should be eaten by a bear. And really I say that in a good way. You know, life would maybe be more exciting for you if you were eaten by a bear. Maybe exciting is not the right word. Terrifying? Dead? Six of one, half dozen of eggs over easy.

In reality I would not want anyone who reads this to be eaten by the bear. Let me just establish that fact for the record. So if you see on some blog somewhere or on Bill O’Reilly or some other Nazi f**k’s wingnut show that EFD is advocating people should be eaten by bears it isn’t true. It isn’t true except I’m kind of torn, no pun intended, about whether O’Reilly should be eaten by a bear. No, I’m sure it would be tragic if O’Reilly was eaten by the bear. It might be tragic for the bear, although I don’t think a bear would eat him. But if a bear did eat O’Reilly, do you think that would make it as the most ridiculous item of the day on his TV show?

No, I don’t think anyone deserves the fate of being eaten by a bear unless you are bear prey then you are on your own. But I reserve the right to change my mind.

President Bush makes a poor attempt to snap his fingers while the Marine Corps Band plays the “Addams Family” theme song.

Poor GW. I think the presidency is getting to him. He actually let a couple of people ask him unscripted questions yesterday. And today he took a question from Helen Thomas at a press conference before Bush fled from the room screaming. Here are some excerpts of the president’s answers to the press:

“Listen, thank you for your time.”

“Thanks for asking that question.”

“Please no hand gestures.”

“Thanks for asking that question.”

“Listen, thank you for your time.”

“Listen, thank you for your time.”

“Listen, thank you for your time.”

It’s nice to know we’ve got a president who is so thankful. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. And please, no hand gestures.