Eight Feet Deep

White House and FEMA officials on Wednesday blamed 110-year-old Magdelena Martinez of Crystal City, Texas, for the slow response by the federal government in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina on the Gulf Coast. A high-placed source said that Deputy White House assistant Karl Rove pointed the finger at Martinez, seen sweeping in this Depression-era photo by renown photographer Russell Lee, after pouring through Library of Congress pictures.

Martinez, a Mexican national at the time of the 1930s photograph, had apparently not swept sufficiently in her home in the Rio Grande Valley of Texas. Rove told the source that during a recent hunting trip to the very spot where Martinez once lived, the president slipped on some refuse missed by the Mexican woman in her cleaning more than 70 years ago when the photo was taken. This caused the president to slip and fall on his head. Though information was never released to the press or the public, Bush suffered a concussion. Along with other learning disabilities, the president now has periodic lapses where he forgets certain tasks. In the case of Hurricane Katrina, Rove told the source, Bush forgot to tell Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff that a hurricane was headed for Mississippi and New Orleans.

Chertoff, in fact, thought the president had relapsed from his alcohol-free regimen and believed Bush actually wanted a hurricane to drink from New Orleans. Chertoff went off in search of a hurricane in bars around Washington, DC, rather than fly to New Orleans. When he returned to the White House, he found Bush still wasn’t drinking alcohol although presdient said he wished he could since a Category 4 hurricane had hit the coast and secondary flooding was taking place in New Orleans.

Rove is looking at ways the government may have Ms. Martinez shot by a firing squad. The source said, however, that she would first get due process after extensive discussions by pundits on Fox News talk shows including “The O’Reilly Factor” and “Hannity and Colmes.”

Gay, Nazi, Wiccan, Vegan, Commie, wife beater, child molester, Democrat, liberal. If it turns out John Roberts fits in one of those categories, he probably won’t be confirmed by the U.S. Senate as chief justice of the Supreme Court. But even though he’ll probably get roughed up a bit by the more liberal Democrats, Roberts could be the CJ for the next 30-or-so years provided he lives that long and democracy lives that long.

Now GW has to come up with a replacement for Sandra Day O’Connor, whom Roberts was originally supposed to replace before CJ William Rehnquist died and left the chief’s job open.

Since our leaders in the White House and Congress seem to be living in a fantasy land, perhaps GW should pick a TV judge for his next hire on the Supremes. So who would be the best?

Judge Judy? No she would probably get in fist fights with Scalia and Thomas every day.
Judge Joe Brown? Hmm.
Judge Larry Joe of “Texas Justice?” He would certainly represent the good ol’ boys on the nation’s highest court.
Judge Hatchett? A stern black woman. That would be a smart choice for the Bushites.
Judge Amy Gray of “Judging Amy?” Yeah, and make sure Alan Dershowitz gets the pick after that.
Judge Amanda Anderlee (Candice Bergen) of “Law and Order: Trial By Jury?” Ditto for what I said about Judging Amy.
Judge Mathis? I don’t have a clue about him other than he is another black TV judge. (At least blacks seem well-represented in daytime TV court shows. Real life court? I’ll not get into that.)
Judge Marilyn Milian of “The People’s Court?” Nah. She couldn’t carry Judge Wapner’s law books.
Judge Wapner? Is he still alive? Even if he is, he would be disqualified because they only allow one Jewish person at a time on the Supreme Court.
Judge Mills Lane? Is he still in syndication? I would vote for him because he shaves his head and would uphold juris baldis.
Judge Harry Stone of “Night Court?” He is really my pick because he is goofy and performs magic tricks. He also got a vasectomy from an Austin urologist named Dr. Richard Chopp. That’s wisdom my friends.

This is Yao Ming’s shoe. This is Yao Ming’s shoe on drugs. Any questions? Most likely. No this supposedly is a picture of a size 18 shoe belonging to 7-foot 5-inch Houston Rockets center Yao Ming. I retrieved this picture, taken by someone calling himself iMorpheus, from Flikr. The other shoe supposedly belongs to iMorpheus. Maybe it does. Maybe it doesn’t. I don’t care. I am only using the photo to help illustrate my topic, which is Asian feet. I chose to discuss this sensitive matter after seeing this ad on Los Angeles craigslist:

“Asian Foot Models
Successful website is casting beautiful asian models for international appeal. Shoots consist of outdoor and indoor locations with multiple types of shoes, polish and wardrobe. No nudity! We are in competition with sites from Japan and Korea and plan to put them on their heels. (pun) If you like to make money, have sexy feet and love teasing the camera. This is the opportunity for you. Flexible scheduling. Job location is Los Angeles. Compensation: $40-$50.”

Okay, the first thing that jumps out at me is this has got to be about something other than feet. (And you know that we here at ‘eight feet deep’ take feet seriously!) I ran a very futile search on the Web trying to find anything enlightening relating to why Asian feet are more desirable than say, European feet.

My first search took me straight to porno sites. One had this dead end message that “You are now under investigation.” It gives your IP address, the provider and type of system you are using. Big deal. StatCounter gives me the same information about who is looking at my blog. Naturally, this notice linked you to something “to stop this investigation quickly — and try to stop them from targeting you.” All for the low, low price of … who cares. I’m not buying. Those people who put such crap up to scare you into buying their product ought to be Mussolinied.

Next I was directed in my “Asian feet” search to a recipe for payay, which allegedly is a Pakistani cow feet dish. Funny, I didn’t know a cow had feet. It sounds like it would be really good — it has many of the spices I like such as chili powder, green chilies, coriander and ginger — except for the small detail of having what I can only imagine is literally beef on the hoof.

I then hit the rabbit trail on the Chinese practice of foot binding, thinking that it might help provide me the wisdom I needed in determining why someone in LA wanted beautiful Asian feet. I read a short history taken from a University of California San Francisco study which said that foot biding began in “the Sung dynasty (960-976)reportedly to imitate an imperial concubine who was required to dance with her feet bound.” It was a very severe and cruel practice that even today leave elderly Chinese women with disabilities due to deformed feet. It makes my feet hurt just thinking about it.

So I didn’t really come away from this search about Asian feet any wiser than when I started. Oh I suppose I can now say in casual conversation that I know what size Yao Ming’s feet are, or that I know how to make payay. Maybe I can start a Pakistani restaurant like Babu Bhatt on “Seinfeld.” But, pretty much I just spent about an hour of my life that I won’t get back looking for something that leaves more confused than when I started.

Oh, the title? Yes, it’s a play on words from Traffic’s “Low Spark of A High-Heeled Boy.” It reminds me, for some reason, of my friend Robin whom I’ve not heard from in about 20 years. I think she had nice feet, the best that I can remember.

Note: I keep forgetting that not everyone watches or did watch “Seinfeld.” Babu Bhatt was a character who kept getting screwed by Jerry’s good intentions. Jerry suggested Babu change his diner into a Pakistani restaurant. It was a dismal failure. Jerry got Babu a place to live in his apartment. Babu then gets hauled away by immigration authorities. Jerry discovers Babu’s visa application was put in his mailbox by mistake. Trust me. The episodes with Babu are funny.

Indeed Benjamin Franklin was a real man of genius, not like those “real men of genius” on the Bud Light radio ads such as Mr. SPF80 Sunblock Wearer. (who is covered in the event the sun fails to set or from another sun in another universe).

In Franklin’s time, I bet more old drunkards did exist than old doctors. I would guess that remains true but have no way to prove it, although I know a few old doctors who conveniently fit into both categories.

Willie Nelson had a similar point of view in his song “I’ve Gotta Get Drunk (and I sure do dread it.)” He goes with the word “drunks” instead of the more formal “drunkard.” As if there were a formal drunkard. “Pahdon me, but I am a bit undah the weathah.”

“There’s a lot of doctors tell me
That I’d better start slowing it down
But there’s more old drunks than there are old doctors
So I guess we’d better have another round.”

Nelson looks as if he could be a contemporary of Franklin’s but I think there really were a few years separating Franklin’s death and Nelson’s birth.

Look, I don’t know if what these lofty thinkers are saying is true about more drunks living than old doctors. I sure as hell am not going to bog myself down on a Labor Day afternoon trying to prove it or disprove it. But I was getting a little tired of Philip Roth’s quotation under the EFD flag, so I thought I would go with the old drunkard quote. That’s all it is, expediency man. Don’t take it percanol.

A large number of people in my corner of Southeast Texas are digging deep in their pockets and pitching into help the thousands of evacuees that have come from the devastation of Hurricane Katrina.

On the local TV news a few nights ago, I saw something that probably wouldn’t have been seen 15-20 years ago. That was a sea of black faces in a church in nearby Vidor, Texas. Vidor had this longtime reputation as the epicenter of the Ku Klux Klan. City leaders have worked for a long time to change this image, although it certainly isn’t easy because every now and then some redneck there will up and do something to embarrass the otherwise sane folks who live there.

This is, after all, the area in which Jasper exists. It’s only 60 miles away. I was born in Jasper and I wasn’t surprised to hear about the dragging death of James Byrd, as shocking as it was. I don’t say that meaning most people are filled with racial hatred there. But some are. I bring this up because of something annoying I read in e-mail last night.

I belong to a local “free-cycle” group. It is a e-mail group that is supposed to make various items of about any shape or size, free for the asking. Those who are in need of a particular item can post their need. Sometimes the twain shall meet.

During the last few days, some well-meaning people have posted requests for items needed for evacuees at some of the local shelters. Among those posts were stories about how evacuees were getting free food stamps for two months just for the asking. No outrage was mentioned, as this group is supposedly non-political, but none was needed. One e-mail said FEMA told them the food stamp story was true.

Well first of all, FEMA is not in charge of food stamps. The state of Texas is in charge and the urban legend is debunked here.

I just wonder who spreads such rumors? Is it the trolls who either want to intentionally make mischief by outraging people across the Internet or those with a political agenda who are content to let the evacuees starve and die? Or is it some dumb redneck who continues to perpetuate the “Welfare Cadillac” myth? This was such a legend while I was growing up, I was downright dumbfounded to find out that people I knew who were on welfare didn’t really have a Cadillac. Yeah, we still have some people around who are too stupid to live. And it’s not just in Southeast Texas. All you have to do is listen to talk radio or read the Yahoo message boards under a story.

It’s just fortunate for some that being a dimwitted redneck isn’t a capital crime.