Eight Feet Deep

The Supremes

The U.S. Supreme Court announced their decision today that only “eight or nine” of the Ten Commandments may be displayed by governmental entities. Writing for the majority, Justice David Souter said any mention about “coveting thy neighbor’s ass” is purely optional on the part of local government officials.

Dick Cheney

Vice President Dick Cheney said today that his daughter, Mary’s, lesbianism is “in its last throes.”

Shark attack

The U.S. Coast Guard searched the Gulf of Mexico off the Florida Panhandle today for some 200 sharks that are boycotting the beaches because, according to one source, “They are still pissed off about the movie ‘Jaws.'”

Tom Cruise

In yet another media interview promoting his new movie “War of the Worlds,” Tom Cruise said his beliefs in Scientology have led him on a crusade “against all modern medicine. And Brooke Shields.” Shields, who Cruise criticized for her admission of taking antidepressants for post-partum depression, has signed with Don King for promotion of a possible 15-round fight with Cruise later this year in Madison Square Garden. Las Vegas bookies have already come out with odds in favor of Shields with a knock-out in the sixth round.

Blog’s latest saying stems from worthless criticism. God knows I’ve received my share of being criticized during my years as a journalist. But criticism only has value when applied legitimately rather than being used as an excuse to disagree on a point or blow the messenger down from the sky.

Someone criticized my piece about White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan. That anonymous critic asked if I was a reporter and said if so, I had a “wicked, wicked bias.” First of all, whomever it was who wrote seems unable to differentiate between bias and objectivity. Neither qualities particularly concern me in my blog. I am not working as a reporter right now. I am just writing to exercise a few muscles in my head. I have my biases as do we all. But while I had to be objective for almost 20 years as a reporter, I don’t have to right at the present. Furthermore, the good thing about the blogosphere like so many other forms of media is that you don’t have to read my blog if you don’t want to. So there. Ha! Now someone will criticize me for criticizing someone who critized me. Mess with me and I will post a Barry Manilow photo.

Batman

A friend and I went to see “Batman Begins” last night. I thought it was a good movie. It certainly surprised me in that it was much less of a cartoon, in the figurative sense, than I expected. As I told my friend afterwards, I mostly needed to see a picture where a lot of ass-whipping was taking place and this bit the fill.

Speaking of

Do you remember when cartoons ran before a movie started? That seems like a million years ago. Now they have ads, followed by the trailers, which are essentially more ads. I always was a Porky Pig fan. I guess his speech impediment is not so funny these days, but the fact that he wore a coat and no pants was always pretty hilarious. It was like saying: “I’m Porky and I don’t give a damn.” Even though he wouldn’t say it quite like that. I was so influenced by Porky not wearing pants that I from time-to-time use an expression about it to comment on something’s or someone’s usefulness. “He’s as useless as pants on a pig.” Well, it means something to me anyway. Hope you a) had a great weekend, b) are having a great weekend, or c)get the weekend you deserve. (or d) get trampled by a bull moose if you are an a**hole.)

Sometime you walk around seeking direction and other times you know where you have been. Say what? I don’t quite understand that myself, but I nonetheless had somewhat of an epiphany on my morning walk today. I realized that I know without the slightest hesitation which way is north, south, east and west. Earth shattering stuff, I know. But after seven years of living in Waco it is a welcome relief to know which direction you are traveling.

Waco, the city, was laid out along the Brazos River and thus is directionally challenged. Streets that run north and south are east and west. Those that go east and west are said to be running north and south. I suppose up is down. Down is up. And the poor Baylor University bear mascot must continually chase its tail.

Seven years in that place and I never knew where in Sam Hill I was. I may have been in Sam Hill for all I know. It’s nice to know I can find my way around town without a compass. Now if I can follow my internal moral compass, I will be in “bidness” as they say in Tejas.

Reading the daily White House press briefing is a little like watching a piece of toast brown. Although, I think watching a piece of bread turn into toast is maybe just a little more exciting than watching White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan bob and weave his way through non-answers to the media’s questions.

In my very limited dealings with the White House — maybe 15 calls to the press office as a reporter and perhaps three of those calls were returned with comments, or returned at all — I have come to believe that the Bush administration has mastered the artform of saying nothing. If some White House spokesman such as Taylor Gross actually returns your call, his answer will largely be nonsense. And if you read the press briefings that Scott McClellan holds, you’ll find an entire session full of even more nonsense.

Today, the White House did not want to talk about the Supreme Court ruling that says government can take your property through eminent domain for economic development purposes. Here is an actual exchange at today’s press briefing between McClellan and a reporter:

Q Suppose that McLennan County, Texas, decides that a center for slot machines would bring in much more revenue than the Bush ranch. Would the President try to fight the eminent domain, as now legalized by five members of the Supreme Court, by means of the Aderholt-Shelby bill, or how?
MR. McCLELLAN: You know, I don’t know of any attempt by McLennan County to do such a thing, first of all. And, second of all, if they did, it’s a matter for McLennan County to deal with. But I know of no such effort.
Q He would fight it, wouldn’t he?
MR. McCLELLAN: Les, I think the President has made his views clear when it comes to private property rights. In terms of Supreme Court decisions, we obviously have to respect the decisions of the Supreme Court.
Q Does the President feel as strongly about that lady in New London, Connecticut, who will be forced out of her home where she was born and has lived for 87 years, does he feel as strong as Justice O’Connor feels, and does he believe this decision will help with his nomination of new justices?
MR. McCLELLAN: Les, we just haven’t talked about it, but the President is always concerned about the American people and their well being.
Q He really is concerned about this lady, isn’t he?

Well, of course Scott didn’t answer that question either. So it makes me wonder why we have a White House press office at all? Why does McClellan and his functionaries even bother showing up for work each day. They might as well stay home and say nothing and get paid for it. Hey, I could do that. If you pay me not to say anything I will be quieter than Harpo Marx after a snootful of Ativan.

Perhaps we will find out some of the answers to our questions after Bush leaves office and some other president hires a bunch of jackasses to say nothing to the American public through the media. Or maybe your grandkids studying history will find out what the hell these people were all up to one day. I wouldn’t bet on it though.

My brother and I made a roundtrip today to Tyler, Texas. It’s about three hours north of where we live. I made a point of checking the Road Conditions Web site for the Texas Department of Transportation. The site is supposed to have all the delays and closures from construction, floods, fires, pestilence, murder, mayhem and Jesus sightings. Sure enough, the site listed two spots where construction was likely to cause a delay on U.S. 69.

The good news was no road work or delays were taking place at that site. The bad news is construction and waiting for the dreaded “pilot truck” stuck us in traffic both ways for about 10 minutes each way just south of downtown Woodville, Texas.

If you’ve not had the pleasure of experiencing road work hell, which seems to be about every 10 miles in Texas, then you may not know what a pilot truck, or car, is. It is a vehicle that escorts traffic when only one lane of traffic is open. One side of the road doesn’t move and the pilot escorts the other side. Then the pilot turns around and gets to do it again. I’m sure it is a rewarding career for the foreman’s brother-in-law.

I guess it isn’t quite as bad being stuck in traffic when you know the reason why you’re sitting there. But when you see a bunch of equipment and men standing idle at the construction site while your side of the traffic likewise doesn’t move, it can be a source of road rage if you have better things to do. Of course, I’m sure everyone has something better to do than sit in traffic.

So drivers beware. The Internet may not always tell you the truth about where the delays and stops are along the highway paved with good intentions and millions of dollars thanks to the road construction lobby.

And you just might have to stop somewhere and wait for the foreman’s brother-in-law. But don’t worry. He will soon be back to take you down the path he has already traveled about 20 times today. Heck, by the time you get there he might even be good at it.