Author: Dick

Okay, so here’s the deal. I had an idea this morning while walking. I don’t know what made me think of it. Anyway, I’ve been trying to sell a couple of items on eBay. You know, getting my feet wet (figuratively speaking). I was thinking of how I could sell an item on eBay and get a much greater return on my investment than what was expended. Then, light bulb! It came to me. eight feet deep — the CD.

I have decided to do a collection of EFD postings and throw in a few unpublished items, such as a really terrible haiku, and try to sell it (or them) on eBay. I mean, it’s not going to cost very much to produce. I might even make it multimedia with a video of my friend’s parrots Gabby and Jake. There’s nothing like exploiting animals for fun and profit! What’s the worst that can happen? No one will buy it? No, the worst that will happen is that a lot of people will want it (them, those, that, their … ) I’m going to give it a shot, but I need help. That’s where YOU the reader comes in. You didn’t really think I was going to let you off that easy did I?

Now I have a working title for the collection and a photo for the sleeve (above). That tentative title is: “What a Friend We Have in Cheeses: The most mediocre of eight feet deep.” I might have to tweak the title some. But I’m going to need some blurbs. You know, those little endorsements by people on a book cover that tells how fantastic the book that they never read is. I invite anyone out there to submit a blurb. You can use your real name if you want to, provided your name isn’t something like: S**tface Motherf***er. You must include in your blurb how you are a significant person who is endorsing this collection, such as Vernon Equinox, petty thief.

Please bear in mind that blurbs must be somewhat positive. For instance:

“When I first read eight feet deep I would vomit. Now I don’t vomit so much when I read it.”

Or …

“This is a blog that appears to have been written by a lobotomized baboon. And I mean that in a good way.”

Send your entries with “Blurb” in the subject line (why I don’t know) to eightftdeep@hotmail.com. I really need your help. I know some people who are real authors of books whom I could ask for blurbs. But I would like to try to spare those people of what would surely be the absolute rock bottom of their careers as writers. So bring them on!

Terrell Owens asks Sen. Dianne Feinstein, D-Calif., if she would be interested in trying out as the Cowboys’ placekicker.

Terrell Owens told reporters this afternoon that he didn’t try to kill himself nor was he depressed. The comments came after he was released from a hospital following what Dallas police called a suicide attempt.

It actually would have been a surprise if the Dallas Cowboys receiver had said that he did try to commit suicide due to depression. For one thing, that sort of admission would land you into the “even more damaged goods” category as an NFL player. One must remember that his last team, the Philadelphia Eagles, let him go because of a number problems that made the superstar too much of a handful.

Also, an admission that some emotional issue is causing problems is something a lot of people will not make, especially those who must appear mas macho because of their profession.

Whether T.O. did or did not try to intentionally OD is something he will have to deal with as well as the Cowboys who are paying him millions of dollars. They have to be concerned. Will something like this happen again? Will something even worse happen? I’m sure a bunch of loudmouths who can’t see the football field for the bleachers will weigh in with their less than empathetic two cents worth. So be it. Professional sports are for grown ups and if you can deal with all the aches and pains you will have the rest of your life, you also better be able to deal with the consequences of your actions.

With that said, I still wish T.O. the best. If he has a problem, I hope he will get the help he needs. If he doesn’t have a problem …

The big news around the D-FW Metromess and likely within the sports world today is the overnight hospitalization of Dallas Cowboys receiver Terrell Owens. Early reports indicated doctors at Baylor Medical Center in Dallas were trying to induce vomiting. Then, the Cowboys Web site says he was suffering from a reaction to pain medication for his injured hand.
However, the Associated Press and The Dallas Morning News has reported that Dallas police reports indicate Owens tried to kill himself after being depressed.

Because Owens is such a big star and has sometimes come off as a prima donna is the reason we are hearing such details to begin with. Most media don’t report attempted suicides or even suicides unless it is a prominent person or an unusual circumstance in which the act takes place such as in public. Owens is a butt to some, an example of a typical young professional athlete with lots of money and little common sense.

But whatever his behavior, the rabid pack known as Cowboy fans seemed fine with his arrival to the team this season That is regardless of his antics such as running to the mid-field star in Texas Stadium after he made a touchdown while playing for San Francisco. And just maybe there is more to T.O. than comes through after his goofy antics. Nonetheless, all of his behavior seems like a small matter if it is true that Owens tried to kill himself after suffering from a depressive episode.

The unknowing might easily say: “What’s so bad about T.O.’s life that he would try to kill himself? He’s one of the best receivers ever. He’s got more money than a horse has hair. Blah. Blah. Blah. Yadda Yadda.”

If indeed Owens tried suicide or even made an attempt and suffers from depression, how much money he has in the bank or what kind of cars he drives is irrelevant. I am 50 years old and I began having depressive episodes only five years ago. While medicine usually takes care of that problem (I still have to deal with chronic pain), I still get episodes from time-to-time and I can tell you this: I don’t have a lot of money. I don’t drive a fancy car. And even if I was still able to play football, I wouldn’t make a wart on the ass of a professional, college or probably high school, junior high or flag football player.

Owens has an uphill battle ahead because of who he is. Fans are fickle as is fame. His people and the Cowboys seem to want to play down any notion that he may suffer from emotional problems even if he does. I guess that’s understandable. T.O. is an investment to the bidness side of playing ball.

But when it comes down to reality where being a star means being a star among your friends, the complex issue of trying to live as a real person and not some fictional character means all kinds of hurt and struggles will take place. And you deal with it. Or you don’t.

I wish the best for T.O. He needs all the good wishes he can get.

Operators are standing by.

It takes a lot of money to keep an operation like eight feet deep going. Well, actually it doesn’t take a lot of money. In fact, I was operating EFD for awhile out of the Beaumont Public Library. The problem was that I had limited time on the computer. Plus, the library had these maddening filters that would block a word if the writer even had dreamed the night before that the word was objectionable. I couldn’t even write the word “terror” or “kill.” How the hell am I supposed to make half-baked comments about the biggest issues of the day when they come out something like: “But we don’t want to be in some attack?” Or even, “If they just left us to our own devices we could the ists and save a s**tload of money.” Yes, I could write s**tload, or I think so at least.

So it doesn’t take a lot of money to run EFD. But it does take some dinero in order that I may live in the style to which I am accustomed. No, I don’t want to live like that. Let me rephrase. How about, so that I may live in circumstances better than I am accustomed? Whatever. I need money and I heard that if you ask people to send you money, they will do it.

I don’t know if this story is true or not, but I heard about some guy who put a classified ad in the back of a magazine once that said: “Send me one dollar.” The guy supposedly became a millionaire. Even if it’s not true, it should be. Why? Well just ask yourself: Why not? Why shouldn’t someone send you money? Would that be a bad thing? I mean, someone sending you an envelope full of anthrax has got to be at least a couple of times worse than someone sending you a $50 bill. What’s the worse that could happen if someone sent you money? You could be mugged and killed? Man, I better stop or I’m going to talk myself out of my argument!

Unlike the public television stations fund drives which the best gift they could send you would be a samurai sword to fall on while listening to them drone on and on, I am going to leave you alone after this. That is, unless I decide I want to needle you again. You will get no tote bags for giving to EFD. No swag will be sent out. There will be no autographed pictures of Paris Hilton’s dog Tinkerbell. All that I can promise you for your generous love offering is my gratitude and a kudos here on EFD if you donate. Hey, I don’t want to cut into my profits!

So give, give till it hurts, then give some more, then have your sister and brother give, and their in-laws, and the people down the street, and if you see Mark Cuban, ask him to give me some of his money. Yes, money. That’s what I want/That’s what I waaaaaaaaant yeah/That’s what I want.

One almost has to feel sorry for Gee Dubya. I said almost. I didn’t mean one should actually feel sorry for the president of these United States. But it seems like his world, which has been the scene o one disaster after another it seems, continues to crumble around him.

For instance, Bush is obsessed with secrecy. He hates leaks almost as much as he hates reporters. But nothing short of torture has been able to deter leaks from various sectors of the government about various problems under King George’s watch, making Bush seem impotent. The latest instance of Gee Dubya’s ass being handed to him is the leak of the National Intelligence Estimate in which portions released to the media indicate that the war in Iraq is a recruiting poster for Al-Quida.

Today, Bush announced that he has ordered at least a portion of the intelligence document to be declassified. Supposedly this executive summary to be released will make the eloquent case for Bush to his detractors to wit: “Liar, liar, pants on fire!”

Of course, there was the Bush-bashing last week from Hugo Chavez; from that guy from Iran whose name I can’t spell, much less pronounce; and from Billy Joe Bob Clinton.

Next, a new crop of generals are denouncing how the administration is fighting the Iraq war and Donald “Hettie Green” Rumsfeld. It’s sooooo early 2006, but I bet it’s really starting to piss off Gee Dubya because his skin is about as thin as my bank account.

Other not-so-good news for either Bush or the country includes the news that the tours of duty for some 4,000 troops will be extended in Iraq. News reports also indicate that the Pentagon needs about 60,000 more soldiers and the Army chief of staff is saying “why bother?” when it comes to submitting a budget. Jeez Louise!

It seems just like it’s a stream of never-ending bad news for the Dubya-in-chief. But, while some cheering may be taking place about these misfortunes among the opposition, there really is nothing to cheer for in all of this. It’s a freaking mess, plain and simple. Perhaps if the media reported all happy news this wouldn’t be so depressing. I know that is likely what many of Bush’s true believers feel. Wish it away. Wish it away. Make it all go bye-bye.

Maybe Gee Dubya just needs to get him a good bottle … of Stop Leak.