Category: Orphans

Probably the bit of news I have heard in the last couple of days that fails to even register on the “who-gives-a-crap” scale is the suspension of Philadelphia Eagles receiver Terrell Owens.

Owens is the typical spoiled, self-centered professional athlete who is really good at his job and really sucks at people skills. Good riddance I would say, except some other team will undoubtedly pick him up next year and pay him more money than he has sense.

Speaking of me, me, me, one thing that really rubs me the wrong way in pro football is excessive celebration. No, I’m not talking about players dancing in the end zone, or pulling out their cell phones to call their agents. If you really want to look like a jackass and you made a touchdown, then you have earned your right to look like a jackass. I’m talking about players who celebrate after every play. They make a block. They celebrate. They make a hit. They celebrate. They didn’t commit a penalty. They celebrate. They made it off the field without stepping on someone. They celebrate.

What they are celebrating is something called “doing their job.” Jeez, could you imagine if people in other professions celebrated each time they did their job. Imagine a dentist giving you a shot of novacaine. High five with the assistant. He drills out a massive hole in your mouth. He shouts: “Yes” and goes “moonwalking” around the room. He fills your tooth. He jumps up on the counter and shakes his ass. You pay the bill. He goes out and gets a hooker.

Well, maybe your dentist does that. People are just weird these days.

It’s funny how criminals in the movies are so often portrayed as being cunning and ingenuous. So it is unlikely that anyone will ever make a movie about Charles Victor Thompson.

Thompson — who escaped from jail in Houston while awaiting a return to Death Row in Livingston, Texas — was captured Sunday by police in Shreveport, La. The cops found Chuckie drunk and on the pay phone. Well, I mean where else would you find an escaped murderer, right?

Police said he had help walking out of jail in street clothes but beyond that are no particular signs of ingenuity.

“There’s no way Chuck had the brain power for this,” John Donaghy, whose sister Thompson was convicted of killing, told the Associated Press. “He’s not the sharpest pencil in the box.”

Maybe he just wanted to get drunk one last time. And since he is on Death Row in Texas it likely will be his last time to tie one on.

Q: If you sawed rapper 50 Cent in half would you have Two Quarters?

“Well, they kick you round so much when you’re not a star
Make you play all night just for a pittance or a token … ” Al Stewart

So often I hear people decry celebrity worship in society. “It’s a bad thing,” many say. “It’s ruinous,” say others. “I’m going to have a shot of Hornitos,” say still others. Hmmm.

Having worked in the news media in my (current) past life, I know many reporters who would rather cover an accident involving dead poultry than having to work on something that perpetuates the celebrity frenzy. (I don’t remember ever having covered a fatal poultry accident unless you count a tornado that destroyed a chicken house in East Texas. The damndest thing that tornado, it missed two mobile homes and hit the chicken house. My boss said the fact that it missed hitting a mobile home was reason enough to send my story out on the Associated Press wire).

But the cold, hard truth is that someone out there can’t get enough news about celebrities. Each time Paris has sex, Britney has a pimple, Jen kisses someone, or a rap star gets shot, it’s a whole big thing.

I know that not every actor, singer, sports star, and so forth gets the coverage that the aforementioned do — unless they get arrested or in a fight. But still I wonder who among the stars of bygone days would have been the latest gossip had even half the communication outlets were available back then? For instance: Percy Kilbride and Marjorie Main (photo above), the stars of the old Ma & Pa Kettle movies. I just picked them at random but it’s actually kind of a good choice for pondering such a topic.

Main, according to a Wikipedia entry, had a near pathological fear of germs although it did not interfere with her career. An Academy Award nominee for her Ma Kettle role, (kind of an amazing factoid by itself) Main also lived openly as a lesbian with actress Spring Byington.

As for Kilbride, I have no idea what kind of dirt he might have brought to satisfy the hunger for celebrity gossip. He was a character actor who played country hicks such as Pa Kettle even though he was raised in San Francisco. Kilbride died after being struck by a car in 1964. No matter whether you are a popular or an obscure actor or performer, getting run over by a car usually gets you some some ink.

I also know an interest and worship in celebrity is nothing new. I just think it’s taken to the extreme today. So how about it, did you hear about Britney’s new pimple? Did Jen kiss anyone today? Did Paris have sex? Is there a new video of it? Come on now, people want to know.