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Is that a handgun you are packing …

“I’m warming up my signing pen: Texas Legislature Ready to Move Forward on Open Carry Bill,” — Texas Gov. Greg Abbott

Well, isn’t that just special? Our governor Tweeted this on Sunday and it does seem like Texas is a few paces away — metaphorically speaking — from having more guns out in the public than cow pies.

The Texas Senate approved its version of a comprehensive handgun bill that touches many of the aspects of openly carrying pistols, many of which are not new. But, toting a handgun openly in public itself being new, the Senate legislation among numerous other provisions would codify the “school marshal” program as well as establishes some new punishments for both citizens and businesses.

Kids, you damn well better get that homework in on time!

A companion bill is being crafted in the Texas House which, for now at least, would allow the possession and openly carrying of handguns on college campuses. Whether the law itself, allowing those licensed to carry concealed handguns in plain view, is not somewhat full of holes some opponents claim the “campus carry” provision is a recipe for disaster.

It seems likely that what new Texas governor Abbott eventually signs will displease many and not just the anti-gun crowd. A portion of proponents for open carry are not particularly your “half-a-loaf” bunch. The most ardent supporters for open carry was for openly carrying anything, anywhere at anytime.

The most vocal and, perhaps to some, scary, of this group are those who carry long guns such as shotguns and rifles. The latter in this category includes semi-automatic rifles as as the AR-15 and AK-47. The open-carry-on-steroids group are likewise the most puzzling of the pro-gun group. In Texas, most people in most places can carry shotguns or rifles if they aren’t prohibited locally. While pro-nut gun advocates may seek a constitutional amendment for the right to carrying long guns, which would require voter approval, the fear factor this group causes could come back to bite them — or shoot them — in the butt.

Firearms appear to rally many of the crowd who believe the President is already from Kenya and wants to establish a dictatorship. Who knows what next, perhaps even take their white women. But not everybody who favors having guns think “shootin’ arms” should be everywhere all the time. You may count me in that group.

One problem I foresee is how to assuage fears which might instantly surface upon seeing that the good ol’ boy carrying a .357-Magnum, the quiet man packing a Colt .45 who appears as if he stepped off the “Men of ISIS” layout in Syria Today, or the large Bro sitting in the corner who looks like he could pound you in the dirt even if he wasn’t carrying a .40-caliber. Yes, stereotypes all and you know we don’t possess those.

How will you know someone carrying a handgun in a shoulder holster really is licensed to do so? Blind faith? And I’m not talking about the first British “supergroup” comprised of Eric Clapton, Ginger Baker, Ric Grech and Steve Winwood. Are you going to ask some man in a sub shop whether he is just exercising his Second Amendment right or is he planning to hold the place up?

It is about to get interesting as Texas likely reverts to the Old West. I think I will just order in.

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Poor impulse control? No impulse control? Whatever!

Impulse is a word that appears as imparting more bad than good. It would be my guess that people these days seem to associate the word in its psychological form and specifically dealing with “poor impulse control” as in criminal acts. Specifically, the criminal acts – thanks to TV programs such as “Law and Order: Special Victims Unit” associated with sex.

But impulse, that dealing with human behavior, is not always negative. Indeed there are some wonderful aspects of life that are constructed due to impulse. Of course, circumstances in which impulse may be great in the same manner may be, well, let’s say not so good. Take for instance life in one of its basic forms: birth.

While it is true that birth control has slowed down the numbers of babies resulting from the impulsive act of, as Bob Seger so aptly put it, “the Horizontal Bop.” So called “unprotected sex” not to mention faulty birth control methods still produce the little “surprise.” Some might see that little surprise as surprise!:) or as surprise:/OMG!

Not to get off the point, but doesn’t unprotected sex seem as quite a harsh expression? The phrase evokes showing up to the bed encased in a latex body suit. Or maybe a suit of armor. Let’s say you are just sitting there slowly rusting away from the humidity of the room while awaiting for the fair damsel to arrive with the key to her chastity belt. Quaint.

It also would be interesting to see studies of children of those with “poor” impulse control. Do they have a plan for everything ranging from taking a shit to having the car serviced?

I heard the Steve Winwood song “Roll With It” today while sitting in the IHOP and the title made me think of my impulsive life, good and bad, but mostly good. I never suspected, by the way, that I would do a phone interview with one of that song’s writers. Will Jennings has written or co-written for what seems like a “Who’s Who” of popular music. He co-wrote most popular songs recorded by Winwood, after the artist’s younger years spent with the group Traffic. I interviewed Jennings after he received Song of the Year honors at the Grammys for “Tears In Heaven,” which he co-wrote with Eric Clapton. Jennings came across as warm and unpretentious, which his friends from the college he attended and taught – my alma mater Stephen F. Austin — said were typical.

Oh, while I’m name dropping, most who know me understand I was far from a George Dubya Bush fan. However, I am proud of having interviewed him when he was head of the Texas Rangers baseball team. I was unmolested by handlers and Secret Service, which were prevalent while covering several events while he was president. I was actually part of the press pool a couple of times during visits he made home to Crawford, Texas. And I did get wet once. Pool, wet, get it? That was from waiting in the rain for the Secret Service to do their sweep of the church where I would attend services with the first family. In between baseball and the presidency, I also covered I don’t know how many events while GWB was governor. The same goes for Ricky Bob Perry.

I have had many good times doing the impulsive. And I never did anything to land me in prison. Well, let me rephrase that. I was never imprisoned for anything and kind of leave it at that.

And I did a few impulsive acts I wish I hadn’t. They mostly cost me money or made me feel awkward the next day. I will kind of leave that at that.

Just remember, my friends, there is no explanation better than leaving matters at that. Or maybe that isn’t so. It’s all according to how your boogaloo situation stands, you understand, as if you ever heard “Clap for the Wolfman.”

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Were you off today for, uh, umm … ?

Q: What day is it?

A: Monday.

Q: No jackass, I mean you are off work today. What holiday is it?

A: Uh, it is Happy Monday Off?

Q: C’mon now.

A: It is Presidents Day.

The first president is honored today with a holiday that includes apostrophes, dashes, another president and a civil rights leader.
The first president is honored today with a holiday that includes apostrophes, dashes, another president and a civil rights leader.

And things just go downhill from there. This pretended conversation ends in an answer, that is partially correct. It all just depends where you are and what you call this Federal and bank holiday.

If you work for the federal government then today is officially known as George Washington’s Birthday. Or as we used to joke as a kid, George Birthington’s Washday. If, however, you are a state employee you may have a different answer and perhaps even use varied punctuation of the holiday name.

Take Texas, for example. Okay, I am a Texan and damned proud of it. Who isn’t? Those who don’t like Texas, perhaps. Those folks might add to take Texas, “Please!” The name of today’s holiday, according to the State of Texas, is Presidents’ Day. Ditto for Presidents’ Day in Hawaii, New Mexico, North Dakota, Oklahoma, Puerto Rico, South Dakota, Vermont, and Washington.

If you are in Alaska, Idaho, Maryland, Nebraska, New Hampshire, Tennessee, West Virginia, and Wyoming, you would be celebrating “President’s Day.” That it is a single president’s day — the apostrophe “s” day. Hmm, I wonder who that president would be?

To further confuse the populace of this great nation, some states figure folks already know whose damned birthday it is. In Michigan, Nevada, New Jersey, and Oregon, the state fathers got rid of that pesky apostrophe altogether — it being “Presidents Day.”

Virginia, the state of the first president’s birth and death, gives him “George Washington Day.”

Like the federal government, the state of Massachusetts celebrates “George Washington’s Birthday.”

The other states share the day with Abraham Lincoln, who was born February 12 and had never been honored with a holiday. That is despite that some states honor Lincoln’s counterpart in the Confederate States of America, Jefferson Davis. Utah skips the apostrophe-s and call the holiday Washington and Lincoln Day. Colorado and Ohio likewise omits the apostrophe and instead uses a dash — Washington-Lincoln Day. Alabama, unsurprisingly holding a grudge, leaves Lincoln out and substitutes Thomas Jefferson for George Washington and Thomas Jefferson Day. Arkansas chooses to link the first president with someone probably not know out of the state who is not a president but, probably surprising to some, was a civil rights activist. George Washington’s Birthday and Daisy Gatson Bates Day honors the “Father of Our Country” with a publisher of a black newspaper who played an important part in the 1957 integration crisis involving efforts to enroll black students in Little Rock’s all white Central High School.

Most of the confusion over the whole Washington and President Day “thing,” notice I use no apostrophe or s with the latter, stems from the Uniform Monday Holiday Act of 1971. That federal law established 3-day-weekend holidays and moved Washington’s real birthday of February 22 to the third Monday in February. A push to create a holiday honoring presidents dates back to the early 1950s. Some congressional members actually wanted the day to honor all presidents but others believed the day often falling between Washington’s and Lincoln’s actual birthdays would cause problems. Compounding matters President Nixon referred to the holiday as Presidents Day.

Today, the day is mostly a holiday for government employees and those in the financial industry. It likewise is a day of traditional sales, especially in department sales. The average Joe, or Jane or George, doesn’t take the day off. It is just one more facet of government where many of the “Big-R Republicanism” persuasion fail in the argument that the federal government is a bogeyman of free-market captialism or is of a socialistic bent.

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Stupid is as stupid does. Right Rep. Weber?

Someone said: “The definition of insanity is doing something over and over expecting the same results.” Or something to that effect. It’s been mostly attributed to Albert Einstein but a largely useless argument as to who originally said it has made the rounds on the internet for years. I say it the argument is useless because the statement is wrong. One who does the same thing over and over expecting the same results is not insane. The person is stupid. Or at least acts as much.

Take for instance my representative in Congress, Randy Weber. Weber, a Republican from Friendswood, Texas, has become emboldened upon election to his second term in the House. I say he is my representative. He is not. Weber was elected to represent the 14th Congressional District of Texas but instead he represents the Tea Party nut wing — as opposed to the regular Tea Party — portion of that district. And I am not a party to that party although I’ve been known to party.

Weber became known as of late for opposing the election of House Speaker John Boehner. Instead, he supported the candidacy of his neighbor to the north, the uber nut job Rep. Louie Gohmert, R, Tyler, Texas. Gohmert lost as expected and not unexpectedly was cast out of the circle of Boehner’s GOP supporters. Don’t mess with the man when you are just a little boy.

Maybe Weber was feeling a bit chastised as well when he committed his most recent political faux pas. He sent this Tweet:

 “Even Adolph Hitler thought it more important than Obama to get to Paris. (For all the wrong reasons.) Obama couldn’t do it for right reasons.”

Weber was speaking on the decision made by the president not to go himself, or to not send a high-ranking delegate, to the Paris rally showing support for France in the wake of recent terror attacks. White House spokesman Josh Earnest said Monday that Obama did regret not sending some higher-ranking official to the demonstration.

While an apology is considered noble in society — as per Mr. Obama — it can also amplify the stupidity of what one did. Thus, Mr. Weber and his apology:

 “It was not my intention to trivialize the Holocaust nor to compare the President to Adolf Hitler,” Weber said in a press release dated today. “The mention of Hitler was meant to represent the face of evil that still exists in the world today. I now realize that the use of Hitler invokes pain and emotional trauma for those affected by the atrocities of the Holocaust and victims of anti-Semitism and hate.

 “The terrorist attacks in Paris should remind us of the evil that still exists. Hitler was the face of evil, perpetrating genocide against six million Jews and millions of other victims. Today, we are facing the evil of Islamic extremists who are attempting to instill fear and murdering the lives of innocent people from Paris to Nigeria to Jerusalem and all over the world. The President’s actions or lack thereof is my point of contention. Islamic extremists have shown they are not going away, and instead are hungry for more blood.”

I hope Weber’s PR flack gets a raise.

Weber showed himself mainly to be a piece of furniture in his first term, just as any self-respecting frosh representative would do. He is certainly getting off to a hell of a start to his second term, and not in a good way. The last thing I would want in a congressman would be that person out-Gohmerting Louie Gohmert. East Texas already takes its hits for having no short supply of racist goobers. Even though the majority of people from my birthplace of Jasper are mostly good folks there is clearly a perception problem that exists from the olden days of slavery to the end of the 20th century when James Byrd was dragged down that dark road to his death.

I hope Weber will just keep his mouth shut and serve out his term, or quit, which might be even better, life being like a box of, well, you know. Maybe I will get a bumper sticker made for my pickup truck to show my fervent hope:

“NO MORE GOHMERTS.”

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Speaker hopeful: Where I explain the meaning of “dope”

Let us examine some word meanings. When someone says “crack” they may mean a split on the surface of something that has not broken into separate parts. Or they could mean a smokable form of an organic or synthetic cocaine. Lumped into a larger category, one might refer to the latter by the more archaic “dope.”

Another similar substance comes to mind: marijuana. A long-used slang for the smokable or edible plant is “pot.” But a pot just as well may mean a container which may be used for cooking food. Referenced as a drug, again an older slang term that is used might well be pot.

Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou--ee ... Anchors aweigh babies!
Louie, Louie, Louie, Lou–ee … Anchors aweigh babies!

So we put the words together. Unfortunately for some, we are not here to talk about sometimes illicit drugs. We will use the word “crackpot” as well as “dope” though. Without further ado, the crackpot and dope to which I refer has announced his candidacy for Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives. His name is Rep. Louie Gohmert, R, 1st Congressional District, Texas.

One grievance the congressman, whom some may politely refer to as, colorful, has expressed in terms of current leadership is the continuing resolution — Gohmert refers to it as CRomnibus — that has kept government running.

“After the November elections gave Republicans control of the Senate, voters made clear they wanted change,'” said Gohmert, in a press release. “There have been numerous examples of problematic Republican leadership, but we were hopeful our leaders got the voters’ message. However, after our Speaker forced through the CRomnibus by passing it with Democratic votes and without time to read it, it seemed clear that we needed new leadership. There had been much discussion. But, until yesterday, no one had stepped up.”

Republican Rep. Ted Yoho of Florida apparently has also challenged incumbent Speaker John Boehner.

Speaker Boehner is a colorful man in his own right, mostly the color orange, as in a tanning booth hue. I know nothing of Yoho, but I cannot imagine how anyone in Congress who could fill the shoes of a genuine crackpot and dope that is Louie Gohmert.

All one has to say to really get classic Gohmert is “Anchor Babies.” The term refers to a concept that only the most paranoid crackpot dope could envision. The former three-term district judge in Tyler, Texas, gained fame for ruling that an HIV-positive man before Gohmert on auto theft charges must, as a condition of probation, provide future sexual partners a court-provided form that notified them of the defendant’s HIV status. But wait! That doesn’t even get to the anchor baby fantasy.

Gohmert went on national TV, even debating Anderson Cooper, that children were being born and smuggled illegally into Texas so that they may grow up to become terrorists who would kill Americans. Such a stupid notion resulted in an art gallery director at my college alma mater — unfortunately in Gohmert’s district — getting fired for expressing notions similar to mine. This breach of Amendment 1 left the university mired in a lengthy lawsuit. The suit brought by Christian Cutler, the university employee, was settled last month after the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals affirmed a lower court ruling against Stephen F. Austin State University in Nacogdoches, Texas. The motion had sought a summary judgment in the case.

I lived for a number of years in the district Gohmert represents. “Good Time Charlie” Wilson, the late Democratic legend of  “Charlie Wilson’s War” fame was my congressman for most of that time. Charlie, as his campaign slogan correctly bragged, took “care of the home folks.” He was eventually gerrymandered out because, according to Wilson: “The people in Nacogdoches hated my ass.” Eventually the district became heavily blue and sent the biggest crackpot dope in Congress to Washington in 2005, where he has stayed. Fortunately for the U.S. people, but not my much, Boehner will likely remain Speaker.