Eight Feet Deep

So far I am not terrified at the prospect of John McCain becoming president. I hope he isn’t elected as our head of state because, as I have noted here before, he supports continuing the lunacy which was started under false pretenses by our CinC, Gee Dubya of Crawford, Texas, U.S.A. But McCain and I share opinions on other issues although to reiterate the war is a deal-breaker.

McCain said today that he thinks the war will be over soon “for all intents and purposes.” But I am not so sure that what he meant was “all infants and porpoises,” which doesn’t make a lot of sense I admit. After all, he is the straight talk guy, right?

My contention that I am not yet scared of McCain is conditional. He hasn’t been nominated yet and he hasn’t picked a Veep. In the interest of merely winning the election McCain could pick some real, scary f**kwad like Ann Coulter or Tom Tancredo or Oliver North.

Should McCain be the nominee as expected the Veep pick will be of more importance than in years past. Well, at least pre-Dick Cheney. Who knew he would really run things? But the import is obvious because McCain is a geezer and one who suffered mightily for his country in a stinking place known as the Hanoi Hilton. Thus, the vice presidential candidate under McCain as the nominee would need to be someone who wouldn’t screw up things and start zipping off nukes toward our imaginary enemies at the drop of a hat in the event McCain punches out that one last time while in office.

So, if McCain indeed is the GOP candidate I will wait to see who the pick for understudy will be before counting Big John as “relatively safe.” But make no mistake about it, I hope he isn’t elected. What I really hope is that I will wake up tomorrow and realize that this is all a big dream, that McCain, Obama and Hillary are not really running for president, and that all the picks on both sides who are running are benign. Fat chance of that, however, if Obama shows up in my town tomorrow as expected.

Local media outlets are reporting that Sen. Barack Obama will be campaigning here in Beaumont, Texas, on Thursday. As I have noted here before, that is likely to create quite a stir in our fair town, provided he doesn’t get mugged on his way to speak. Only kidding. We have a nice city here with only a few crackheads and ne’er-do-wells as in every city.

Thursday is not a work day for me, at least not in my part-time government job. My writing biz hasn’t been exactly setting the world on fire lately either. But that’s another story. So I perhaps will go check out what Obama has to say if it isn’t too much of a hassle. I hate to be that way but after all, I am an old fart and hate being jostled ’round by a bunch of crazed partisans of any ilk. Hey, it would be the same if some performer was playing somewhere near here for free. I could handle those mob scenes in my younger days of laying about with thousands of drunk and stoned people watching ZZ Top or Bob Seger or whomever was getting down those days. But such spectacles don’t excite me enough nowadays for all the discomfort. And a politician? I don’t think so. But I might still go. We shall see.

Well, that headline is a bit overstated I think. But to be certain, some enthusiasm over the Democratic race for presidential nominee is beginning to gather steam in what has been a sullen Republican Texas since Gee Dubya and his pet rock Turd Blossom made their failed attempt to build a Republican world.

Today, folks lined up outside the old Jefferson Theater here in Beaumont to await the arrival of Michelle Obama. The Jefferson probably hasn’t seen that kind of excitement since Paula Zahn held the racial forum there live on CNN.

The local Beaumont Enterprise gave an update on its Web site every 15-20 minutes or so chronicling Ms. Obama’s process:

11:30 AM: Doors open, crowd files into Jefferson Theatre as they await arrival of Michelle Obama

12:15 PM: Rally begins and Michelle Obama’s arrival is imminent, security says

Hmm. Imminent sounds like the crowd were waiting on a flood or hurricane.

12:45 PM: Michelle Obama tells crowd “Yes we can”

Somewhere someone yells: “No we can’t!”

1:25 PM: Obama talks of reaching an ever-shifting bar, health care and hope for future

The coverage is a bit much, seemingly trying to manufacture excitement, but that’s a newspaper for you this day and age. Nonetheless, I would rather see the Enterprise overplay it than leave the story half-cooked.

So far Bill has been here campaigning and now Michelle. If Hillary and Barack make it to the “Golden Triangle” of Beaumont, Port Arthur and Orange, Texas I think one will see some excited Democrats.

It seems like the 2008 presidential campaign has been going on forever. It feels like the Bush-Kerry election never happened. No swiftboating, no me standing out in the hot Central Texas sun as former Georgia Democratic Sen. Max Cleland asked the cops at the gate of Gee Dubya’s ranch to deliver a letter to the president. The letter, if I recall correctly, asked Bush to repudiate the swiftboating campaign against Kerry. But no, none of that ever happened. Gore got himself unelected and all of a sudden every able-bodied member of the Democratic Party and even the unable-bodied members of the Republican party decided to run for president in the 2008 election.

And now the smearing is gone into warp drive. People are all atwitter (hmmm) over an alleged affair that happened a few years back between a lobbyist and John McCain. Oh come on guys, you can do better than that.

I am sure someone, Limberger or Hannity the Prince of Darkness or Ann the Ghoul Coulter will blame Billary for the mishap today that took the life of a Dallas police officer who was escorting Sen. Clinton’s motorcade.

Surely the smearing of the presidential candidates will get nastier and sillier as the two party picks — McCain and Clinton O’Bama — begin the real campaign in Ernest. Yes, Ernest perhaps in Nevada or one of those “N” states. Heaven forbid I would use the word earnest when Ernest, which is long for Ernie, will suffice. But mark my words the mud will fly with the revelations that Hillary is really Bill. Obama is Swahili for Lucifer. McCain is actually and stuffed.

That’s right friends and neighbors, prepare yourself ’cause the worst is yet to come. Politics, only dogfighting is more gruesome.

An interesting little time-waster found its way to me via e-mail this morning. Jon Rubenstein of the comparison shopping site PriceGrabber.com — and who actually has read my blog — noted in his e-mail that the site added a new feature which lets people do comparison shopping for their favored presidential candidate.

John said one feature of PriceGrabber’s Election Guide is “a Candidate Match survey, in which voters choose their stances on the issues, and PriceGrabber matches the candidate that best represents the voters’ views.”

After completing the survey and looking at the results, I must say I was a little surprised that the candidate matching my views the most were, in this order:

1. Hillary
2. Barack
3. Mike Gravel
4. John McCain
5. Ron Paul
6. Mike Huckabee

I realize, of course, that the survey is issues-based and are written without a lot of wiggle room. But to think I might even consider Mike Huckabee (or the sometimes-flaky Ron Paul) just leaves me shaking my head in awe.

I have not yet checked out the rest of the site, but will. Nonetheless, I thought I’d give Jon’s company and the election feature a plug — especially since Jon agrees with me that Festivus should be made an official holiday. So have fun with the election tool, be amazed, be the life of the party, make a drinking game out of it. Cheers!