Eight Feet Deep

In keeping with our theme today of interplanetary intercourse, I have just seen the news that scientists have discovered the 10th planet. So far it is unnamed but the planet is supposedly larger than Pluto. Who or what isn’t? My Toyota pickup is bigger than Pluto! The new planet also is 97 times the distance between the sun and Earth — for all of you who keep track of that sort of information.

Now the question is what will our 10th planet be named? My bet is Wal-Mart. They will have people up there quicker than you can say: “Sam Walton” and will have some lovable old codger welcoming interplanetary travelers at the door. Be advised that you still will have to stand in line for your photographs while the workers from the Planet Wal-Mart Photo Center go have a cigarette outside the front of the planet.

Thus, those who reside on Planet Wal-Mart will appear mostly to us at such:

Ah yes, space, the final frontier for Wal-Martization of the Universe.

You have chosen the English language version of the Greater Earth Convention and Visitors Bureau. Thank you for inquiring about the wonderful opportunities that await you when you visit our planet. Before going into detail about tourist and convention information, we would like you to view some basic information about Earth:

Size: About 197 million square miles. Some 71 percent of our planet’s surface is covered by water so there are plenty opportunities for aquatic recreation such as surfing, swimming, fishing, sailing and much, much more.

Population: More than 6.5 billion.

Neighbors: Venus, the Moon, Mars

Temperature: From 136 degrees F to -129 degrees F.

Language: The Earth has no one official language. It has roughly 6,800 languages. English, Mandarin, Hindi and Spanish are among the more popular ones. A cautionary note to visitors: Some countries on Earth are sensitive about foreign languages being spoken in their country. For instance in the United States, some who hear a foreign language being spoken may believe that they are being talked about. (See “Paranoia”) It is best to always learn some useful words and phrases before visiting portions of the Earth.

Government: The Earth also has no one government but rather is ruled by heads of state of more than 190 nations. An organization exists called the United Nations, and some believe that officials of that league are flying around in black helicopters trying to foster a one-world government. However, such notions are mostly due to a mental condition (See “Paranoia.)

Pastimes: Soccer or football, cricket, baseball, armed conflict, political intrigue, dancing, opera, television.

Interesting places to visit: The Earth has unlimited potential when it comes to sites of which to visit. One may experience war in Iraq, take a potentially life-threatening climb up Mt. Everest, be treated rudely in Paris, dodge carjackers in Los Angeles, or perhaps be knocked silly with a fly ball in Boston, just to name a few places.

Food and drink: Just as Earth is varied in language and culture it also has numerous varieties of food and drink. Water is the official drink of most of the world. Other notable drinks include tea, beer, wine, vodka. A cautionary note: Much of the water on earth requires treatment or desalinization before being consumed. Untreated water can cause digestive system distress, provided you have a digestive system. When in doubt, drink hard liquor.

We look forward to visits from those out in the far reaches of the Universe. It is best to call ahead before visiting Earth to avoid misunderstandings with defense forces of various governments.

Welcome to our new EFD mascot, the Carey Salt Soldier, guarding our right flank. A fine looking sentinel he is and no doubt salt of the Earth. He was chosen for his good looks and his qualities, which I will not touch here with a 10-foot pole. This comes courtesy of James Lileks, whose outstanding Web page is linked in my blogroll. Carey was among the “Orphanage of Cast-off Mascots” within Lileks’ hilarious “Institute of Official Cheer,” which includes the famous and witty “The Gallery of Regrettable Food.”

Lileks is a conservative columnist with the Star-Tribune in Minneapolis-St. Paul, Minnesota. His political columns are humorous even if you don’t necessarily agree with his point of view. He also has the “Backfence” column which is a more interactive and fitting place for Lileks’ brand of humor.

During my relatively young fling with the Internet, Lileks was one of the first with whose work I have become severely and unabashedly attached. He is one of the finest writers in the media, plain and simple. I urge you to check out his work every chance you get. You will find something that tickles your fancy unless you have had a humor bypass.

Sometimes I think it pays not to listen very closely to the lyrics of certain songs. Take Thin Lizzy’s “Jailbreak” for instance. The song has a very infectious beat. I heard it today while sitting at a traffic light and almost drummed my fingers through the steering wheel. But get a load of this:

“Hiding low looking right to left
If you see us coming I think it’s best
To move away do you hear what I say
From under my breath”

They’ve got me all the way to “what I say.” But then, unfortunately, the “From under my breath” comes along and I want to scream and say: “What in the hell do you mean, ‘do you hear what I say/From under my breath?'” I would find it very unlikely that anyone would hear anything from under someone’s breath other than, providing that person is alive, breathing. So it’s a rhetorical question, huh? Not a good one at that.

These are cool lines:

“I can hear the hound dogs on my trail
All hell breaks loose, alarm and sirens wail”

These are not:

“Like the game if you lose
Go to jail”

This is about as clear as a milkshake. What game is he talking about? Monopoly? You don’t go to jail if you lose. If you lose you’re out of the game. You go to jail when you get the “Go to Jail” card. Sheesh!

Finally, we reach critical mass with these lines:

“Searchlight on my trail
Tonight’s the night all systems fail
Hey you good lookin’ female
Come here!”

The song just goes all to hell after those first two lines. “Hey you good lookin’ female!” “You go female.” “I am female hear me roar.” It’s pretty freaking awkward if you ask me. And “Come here!” I bet those lines are just teeming with success in picking up women.

On the other hand, I am not collecting a single cent in royalty money for criticizing these puzzling and often painful lyrics. And I also still like the song. I guess that makes me a moron, huh? You need not hit the “Comment” button on that one.

My friend Sally sends me a wooden cow continuing the theme of barnyard animals as love offerings.