Pope Benny set to become just plain “Joe”

Here I was, all set to write about the Pope Benedict XVI, SVU, who has decided it’s time to hang up his white zucchetto and his red shoes. It is a big deal and not just for those of the Roman Catholic faith. The Holy See is, after all, the Head of State known as Vatican City-State. Who cares if you have a Swiss Army knife. The Pope has his own Swiss Army. These are very devoted and very handy men to have around, because they probably have a Swiss Army Knife somewhere on them underneath their orange, blue, red and yellow dress uniform. Were the uniforms designed in a later age would one swear the tailor had been watching “The Wizard of Oz” perhaps synthesized to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon.” Maybe the Papal Guard have an Official Swiss Army Knife in an Official Swiss Army Knife holster ready at a moment’s notice to open a can of beans and a bottle of wine for His Popeness. Does the Pope eat beans? And if he does, will his flatulence register a reading on the Richter Scale? “Ach, mein Gott!”

But something of more importance than the fact that Benedict XVI will voluntarily leave the Popedom. Yes, I know that is not the correct word. It seems more normal for an 85-year-old man to retire than to be carried off to wherever it is they dispose of the Papal remnants, dying with his red shoes on, as it were.

Who shall take his place is of prime emphasis because you won’t have the Rev. Joseph Ratzinger to kick around.

Why the Vatican might even see it’s first Canadian pope. That’s right. A lot of speculation in these earliest, the first in fact, days of a looming Pope-be-Gone. A Québécois as a matter of fact, Cardinal Marc Ouelett, the Metropolitan Archbishop of Quebec. In past interviews Ouellet has played down his rising star of Popehood, making statements to the effect that being The Holy See is too much work, as he saunters down the sidewalk gently humming “Alouette.” The Wickedpedia, just another made-up name to make it in print in today’s bloguration calls “Alouette” “a popular French Canadian song” about dressing up a dark-eyed Junco in papal vestments and stalking former St. Louis Cardinal Albert Pujols who has gone to the Angels. That’s right the Angels of Anaheim who ride their noisy Harleys onto the field striking terror in the hearts of lesser men such as Fox Sports announcer Joe Buck.

It would indeedee be a real surprise to see a norteamericano Pope. In fact, “not a chance in hell,” said a local priest, who decided to get a running start on Fat Tuesday revelry. Tim Dolan, who is Archbishop of the Center of the Universe, which is otherwise known as New York City (“New York City? Get a rope”) would be a favorite except to the betting community. Online bookie Paddy Power currently has Dolan at 25-1. But, hey, it’s only the first day of what will be Pope-a-Mania, or Pope-a-Sopa or Pope Soap on a Rope. Let’s get it all out now of our systems so we will be fast with an affirmative.

Is the Pope a Canadian?

No, not yet.

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